ask dot: mika's dilemna

I don't know if you remember a while back I started musing on the idea of doing a kind of 'Ask Ann Landers' column from time to time. Well within a matter of hours, a lovely lovely girl named Mika in Buenos Aires got in touch. We've been in touch since (writing each other long emails - there are a lot of parallels in our lives) and I'm finally ready to post her question.

But I'm not going to post my answer, just yet. I want to hear, first, what you have to say.

I know this is me in the post - shot last Sunday by Mr. D, in Primrose Hill, against what looks like a Banksy or a pretty darn good imitation - because I just didn't know how to illustrate her question. So here goes:

"I’m from Buenos Aires , Argentina , and I’m about to get married and move to California... I got to know David on MySpace three years ago, we met and we knew we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together right away. He traveled here three times and I went there once. I’d have moved sooner but things got complicated; i.e. my mom got really sick and after a while, she passed away (this happened 2 years ago)... the thing is that my dad is sick, too, so it’s only my sister and I who take care of him. Simply put, he had a stroke 6 years ago in Japan , I brought him back to Argentina and he’s been here ever since...

Now, the dilemma is: I am 100% sure I want to marry David; I know that he’s my other half, we compliment each other, his family loves me and I love them. I usually adapt to whatever situation I have to adapt to: a new environment, a new job, new people … although I’m not a people person, I have the ability to deal with them and they usually find me amusing, I have no idea why. All the things I’ve just listed are not such a big deal, although, yes, I have to admit that I’m scared to see what I’m about to embrace; because let’s face it, I’ve only seen the nice part so far. I haven’t had the time to experience the ugly or the not-so-nice side of us together. I’m really looking forward to experiencing it all, but I can’t help feeling bad for leaving my dad and especially, leaving my sister alone to look after him..."

I asked Mika if she wanted me to change the names but in her case she felt it was okay. I know there are no easy answers, I just want to know what you think first.

(wearing: camel tee: American Apparel, jean shorts: H&M, riding boots: Blue Velvet, as before, grey cardigan: found on street - literally on street - outside Somerset House, LFW, Feb)

Choices.. decisions.. we make them all the time: what to wear. What to eat. Who to marry. Where to live. Some of the seemingly smallest decisions - whether to turn right or left at a corner - could change the outcome of our lives. Some of the most important decisions - if we find out we were wrong - can sometimes be altered. Sometimes we can turn around, go back. Change our mind.

Sometimes I can be paralysed with indecision about such simple little things. Other times..

I had to make Mika's choice, when my father had had cancer for several years already (he went on to live many more years - happy, joyous years, with countless visits and calls). I agonised over my decision, although my parents told me to go. (My mother had had to make the same choice when her own mother was ill, and her mother said 'your place is with your husband.')

In my case, I did marry my man and moved to his country. There are days I've felt I've made the wrong choice, but on days like like this, last Sunday, when we walked through Regent's Park after lunch in Primrose Hill.. imagine what I'd have missed if I hadn't taken that leap of faith.


Pearl Westwood said...

Hmm tough situation, is there no way David could move to be with Mika and they she could still look after her dad? Or maybe if she could go for a few months, like a road test and then she can still be there for her family but she gets to see what living with David would be like? I guess thats what I would do, does it have to be all or nothing? Good luck to them what ever the out come xx

Leslie in Adams Morgan said...

why not bring the dad up to California? That might be tough on a young marriage but it would help relieve the guilt Mika will feel if she leaves him.

jill said...

Thank you, Pearl, Leslie: both your comments are the same thoughts I had. I just emailed Mika that I put the post up, and I don't know any recent developments since we spoke last - a week or two ago? - so it would be helpful to her to hear people's ideas.

Unknown said...

I think it'll be worth it to be with someone she loves, they don't come around everyday. I moved from the UK to Australia (24+hrs to get from one to the other!) to be with my husband 6 years ago and it was the best decision I've made. I still miss my family, still cry when I miss them but I'd feel worse if I was apart from my other half. I think it doesn't matter where you both are as long as you both are together and if it means you have to go to him then so be it. You never know if the opportunity will arise in the future where you both can live in Argentina are have her father move to them.

Wilwarin said...

sometimes in life there are moments when we need to be little selfish... if she leaves her dad it doesn't mean she loves him less, but she can help him even more if she's happy... it's hard situation but after she gets used to new life she can even get her dad to live with her... i think she should totally go to david at least for some time to see what's their life gonna look like together, you really get to know the person really well after living together... it's not all about honey, and happy moments, you need to eat kilo of salt with someone...

Style Odyssey said...

I'd bet money that Mika's dad would not want her to put her life on hold because of his illness. I would almost guarantee it. Parents want what is best for us. They're accustomed to "letting go", especially once we are adults doing our thing. But I feel for Mika. I really do. She must do what is best for her because in the end, it will probably make her father happy to see her happy.

As for your photos, these may be my favorites of you that I've seen here! (Well, I do love the D.R. and other beach pics...) You look so relaxed and happy and vibrant...cute and pretty. These colors- so you. Everytime I see muted turquoise, soft greys, pale nudes, I think "those are Jill colors."


mtg said...

so tough, really don't know what to say (so, why am I commenting, right?!)
i guess i feel i should know the answer since i moved to the U.S. and am married here too. i met my husband after i'd been here for about four years though... my first instinct is to go ahead... i'm sure dad and sister will understand. the main thing is she says she is 100% sure she wants to be with David. sorry, am not helpful...

Miki said...

Hi, Jill! I sent you an e-mail a while ago, but I got the "mail quota exceeded" message, so I don't think you got it.

I've just read your post! I didn't know whether to comment after it or not. That's why I wanted to contact you again by private e-mail. It feels weird to hear people talk about my life, but it's so comforting to see they’ve had the same ideas that I have in my mind and that they think I should go for it.

I feel shy to post this as a comment but I wanted to thank you right now for having listened to every single word I said, for taking the time to think about me and for telling me so many things. It was a real pleasure to trust this to you and to get to know you in more depth. You’re a great woman; you deserve the very best! And of course, a big THANKS to your followers too =).



felicia said...

LOVE IT Jill!!!simply divine!!